I'm Ready

I'm ready.


I'm ready for change, and this time, I think it's ready for me.  


I had a GREAT first semester.  Perfect 4.0 GPA.  Offer to enter into a sorority or whatever those things are called.  Pretty neat.


This semester - a little different.  Class is a bit younger, and a lot more divided.  A bit nervous to be there.  But, I'm finding my step.  I'm glad that I didn't just opt to stay where I was and that I've again, forced myself to try something new.  I was terrified and there are moments where I still feel terrified.  But I'm slowly coming into myself and it feels great.


There was a moment on Friday where I heard a dirty laugh and an evil glance, and that old familiar scary feeling started to sneak up.  I could feel the fat suit trying to wind its way around my foot, up my leg, around my middle, to my heart.  And I stopped it.


Stopped it cold.  


For a moment, I could feel that stupid grin on my face like I was asking for acceptance, and then when I looked again, I was like Hell No!  I am not going to let you derail this for me!  Number 1, you don't know me.  Period.  Not for a nano-second.  Number 2, I'm old enough to be your teenage mother.  We don't have a THING in common except we are both girls, and we are in the same program.  And I'm finally mature enough to realise that I don't need you to like me in order to be a success for myself. 


For a moment, I was uncomfortable, and I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't honestly think about trying to be her friend.  But when I went to work that night, and reflected on the words of my doctor during my appointment, I realised.  I've come a LONG way.  


On Teen Night, I matter to these kids.  Some of these kids really love me.  I'm their parent figure.  I'm their mom away from mom.  They confide in me, they look forward to seeing me when I'm there, and when I'm not, they notice.  I get recognized outside of work.  I get extra smiles and a second glance as they try to place me.  And it feels good to know that for a moment, they remember me.


I've been working out.  It's a small victory for me, even it's just 35 minutes of cardio most of the time, I make it count.  I felt an adrenaline rush the other day, tingling from my face to the bottoms of my toes.  And it feels amazing.  I feel strong.  I feel beautiful, and most important of all, I feel worthwhile!  I feel like it's okay for me to be included in this life too.  


And so for now, as trying as it is sometimes, I'm glad I'm here.  I'm glad that I've met the challenging people in my life because it helps me realise that those times, and those people, and those events have taught me how to react.  I'm glad that those closest to me constantly push me forward even if they don't know they are doing it.  It's like instead of letting me lay down and quit, they are constantly pushing me forward - it just feels good.


I love where I am right now.  I'm slowly learning to face my problems instead of withdrawing away from them.  Nothing changes when you leave it alone - sometimes the skin around it just gets calloused and then it's harder to fix.  I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm clearly not, but I'm learning what is worthwhile to fix, and what is worthwhile to admire from a distance.  


For a change, I'm enjoying the ride, and finding things to appreciate instead of focussing on all the things that could be wrong.  So far, so good.