The first day of the rest REST of my life

I'm in my 30-somethings now, and on Tuesday, I'm going to be starting the rest of my other life I put on hold almost 13 years ago.

I'd be completely lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was truly terrified of what was going to happen.  There is a huge part of me that is trying to say that I'm going to fail - that it's going to be too hard - that I'm going to quit, but I can feel deep down that this is going to be awesome for me.  I can feel that my heart is in it, I'm behind it 100%.  I can feel deep down that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

One of the girls at my work who has studied toward becoming a psychologist was talking to me about my kids.  We were talking about how I was scared to go, and that for the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I really was.  I mean I know my age, my name, my favourite colour, my favourite hockey team, when they will play in my city next, and what I'm passionate about, but at the end of the day, I've always been a mom.  I've been Ben's mom and Jenna's mom and Jesse's mom and Jason's wife, and that has qualified my life for a long time.

I've curled and worked out, but at the end of the day, I've rushed through all of these things so that I can go home and be a mom and a wife.  I love my life, I love my kids, I love my husband, and I know that they rely on me just as equally as I feel I have relied on them.  I have used them as my crutch to get through really tough times in my life.  I've always been able to go home and coccoon....I can insulate myself from the world and it's harshness, and relish in a world that when Jesse falls down in the backyard and is upset, I can be the center of his universe that makes him all better.

But outside of this persona, there are parts of me that are just - missing.  I miss the girl that would have ants-in-her-pants to be the first one to do a presentation in school and see the looks on people's faces that said "Wow, that girl really knows her stuff!".  I miss the girl that could leave her kid all day in daycare because I had a project due and be able to walk into the daycare and absolutely love the look on Ben's face when he knew it was time to go home.  I miss being able to leave the sh*t at the door when I walked into home and just enjoy the denouement before work started again.

I'm afraid that this time, having kids and being a wife has eclipsed who I am.  I'm afraid that I'm going to be the only one in school that can only relate to a lecture because one time it happened to a kid that I knew in school, or because it happened to my kid at school.  I'm afraid that when I get up to give my presentations this time that they will see my chubby self instead of the brains behind the work.  And I'm afraid that this time, my insecurities are laying where people can see them.

I know that having kids and being a wife has not eclipsed my persona at all.  I know that it has enhanced all of those beautiful qualities that I have.  I know that I am passionate in my beliefs because I CAN relate it to something that happened to me or my kids or my husband, and that I want to fight for someone else the way I wanted someone to fight for me.

The only thing I have to fear is me.  I know I have to walk in there and own myself and my insecurities and bid them adieu.  I know that I will hear the CASPS in my life that have encouraged every last part of this dream.  I know that when I stand up to do the presentation, I won't feel like I'm in a fat suit.  I feel like under this layer of skin has been the phoenix that is going to be my life very soon.

I'm afraid that I can no longer dumb it down in my life.  This is where I'm going to be, and you are either going to come along for the ride and own it, or you'll be left in the dust.  Maybe that is where the nerves are coming from because I've let those naysayers have shotgun for a while in the drive of life, and now, I've unceremoniously kicked them from the front seat to somewhere behind the trunk.  And I'm unapologetic.

Tuesday is going to be the start of the rest of my other life.  It is going to be the day that I wed the two parts of my life that have been leading separate lives.  They will meet and fall in love, and learn to co-exist.  There will be growing pains and struggles, but they will join hands and say, "You can do this because we are together."

I have in my life what other people may lack from time to time.  I have children I have to set an example for.  I have a husband that no matter what, will be my best friend, my ear, my shoulder, my hand.  I have a safe place to voice my insecurity, and a firm voice to send them away.

I won't be afraid.  I might be nervous, I might get lost, I might want to give up, but I know deep down, something GREAT is coming out of this one for sure.