Recently in the news there was a story about an abducted little boy by a registered sex offender. Luckily, the little guy was returned to his home, in the middle of the night, by the same person that supposedly took him. The little boy's home was empty, his doors unlocked, and the person slipped right past road blocks to put him back home.
People have criticized the police in this story, wondering how the little boy was returned to his home in the middle of the night, undetected? I feel like shaking them and saying, "Do you think the house was empty by mistake? Do you really think that the house was unlocked by mistake? Would you rather the little boy be safe at home, or still lost to society with a known sex offender?" If it was my child, I would have readily vacated my house and paid for my street to be vacated if it meant my little person would be returned home.
I don't think it was by fluke that the house was open and empty, nor that the person was able to come into town undetected (supposedly) by law enforcement to return the little dude. I wholeheartedly agree with the parents that in this case, our justice system failed our society, not that the police or the amber alert system failed society.
I'm watching the news last night and see a story about the Tories tough on crime bill and how they are planning to pass that bill. I hear the critics of the bill say that it's going to be tougher on the kids growing pot in the basement than it will to catch the big dealers. They say that it's going to do nothing for us right now because crime is at an all time low in the country, and that they "know" that deterrents don't work.
But included in that plan is a plan to get tough on sex offenders. I think that it's long overdue. I think it's a shame that people can commit crimes against children and get no more than five years - even after multiple offences.
Before you start to criticize me, let me explain. I would LOVE to support programs that would help kids get out of gangs and get out of the drug trade. I would LOVE to support programs that would encourage all inmates to get an education and be able to be fully functioning members of society - even if it meant providing rehab for some of their families - especially when they are coming from a background where there may be a lot of substance abuse etc. I think that every person in society is worth saving, and I would love to see more programs that help people do just that - rehab those who need help, those that commit the crimes, their families that may be suffering because of that crime that was committed, and families that are suffering from the effects of drug and alcohol abuse.
I also believe in trying to rehabilitate sex offenders because I am smart enough to know that not all sex offenders are those that rape children. There are those people that have been convicted of statutory rape because that's the law, not necessarily because they were being a predator. But rules are rules. If you truly love someone, you will wait for them and provide them the space that they need to experience their own life before you try and meld them into yours. I know that there are parents out there trying to save their children from people that they feel are "too old" for them. I know that some of these sex offenders are not the monsters of whom I am thinking of.
But I would like to see the laws changed for those sex offenders who have committed multiple offences against children. I would like to see the "dangerous offender" status applied to those who have committed these multiple offences and who have shown society that they are not interested in changing, and nor do they want to change. I think it is an atrocity that we would force our children to endure further hardship by forcing them to testify at a dangerous offender hearing against someone that just stole them.
But the reality is that society as a whole will not encourage more rehabilitation programs until the current system is taxed to the point of no return. We have to change society's moral values to rehab in order to alleviate some of the stress on the jail system. It might cost us just as much because in order to fix the squeaky wheel, we also need to see the wagon that is sitting on it. We might be faced in trying to help a family break the cycle of violence or abuse in order to give that inmate a safe place to return to.
The change starts with us first, and until we truly believe that society is worth changing, our inmates won't change either.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Sunday, 4 September 2011
The first day of the rest REST of my life
I'm in my 30-somethings now, and on Tuesday, I'm going to be starting the rest of my other life I put on hold almost 13 years ago.
I'd be completely lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was truly terrified of what was going to happen. There is a huge part of me that is trying to say that I'm going to fail - that it's going to be too hard - that I'm going to quit, but I can feel deep down that this is going to be awesome for me. I can feel that my heart is in it, I'm behind it 100%. I can feel deep down that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
One of the girls at my work who has studied toward becoming a psychologist was talking to me about my kids. We were talking about how I was scared to go, and that for the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I really was. I mean I know my age, my name, my favourite colour, my favourite hockey team, when they will play in my city next, and what I'm passionate about, but at the end of the day, I've always been a mom. I've been Ben's mom and Jenna's mom and Jesse's mom and Jason's wife, and that has qualified my life for a long time.
I've curled and worked out, but at the end of the day, I've rushed through all of these things so that I can go home and be a mom and a wife. I love my life, I love my kids, I love my husband, and I know that they rely on me just as equally as I feel I have relied on them. I have used them as my crutch to get through really tough times in my life. I've always been able to go home and coccoon....I can insulate myself from the world and it's harshness, and relish in a world that when Jesse falls down in the backyard and is upset, I can be the center of his universe that makes him all better.
But outside of this persona, there are parts of me that are just - missing. I miss the girl that would have ants-in-her-pants to be the first one to do a presentation in school and see the looks on people's faces that said "Wow, that girl really knows her stuff!". I miss the girl that could leave her kid all day in daycare because I had a project due and be able to walk into the daycare and absolutely love the look on Ben's face when he knew it was time to go home. I miss being able to leave the sh*t at the door when I walked into home and just enjoy the denouement before work started again.
I'm afraid that this time, having kids and being a wife has eclipsed who I am. I'm afraid that I'm going to be the only one in school that can only relate to a lecture because one time it happened to a kid that I knew in school, or because it happened to my kid at school. I'm afraid that when I get up to give my presentations this time that they will see my chubby self instead of the brains behind the work. And I'm afraid that this time, my insecurities are laying where people can see them.
I know that having kids and being a wife has not eclipsed my persona at all. I know that it has enhanced all of those beautiful qualities that I have. I know that I am passionate in my beliefs because I CAN relate it to something that happened to me or my kids or my husband, and that I want to fight for someone else the way I wanted someone to fight for me.
The only thing I have to fear is me. I know I have to walk in there and own myself and my insecurities and bid them adieu. I know that I will hear the CASPS in my life that have encouraged every last part of this dream. I know that when I stand up to do the presentation, I won't feel like I'm in a fat suit. I feel like under this layer of skin has been the phoenix that is going to be my life very soon.
I'm afraid that I can no longer dumb it down in my life. This is where I'm going to be, and you are either going to come along for the ride and own it, or you'll be left in the dust. Maybe that is where the nerves are coming from because I've let those naysayers have shotgun for a while in the drive of life, and now, I've unceremoniously kicked them from the front seat to somewhere behind the trunk. And I'm unapologetic.
Tuesday is going to be the start of the rest of my other life. It is going to be the day that I wed the two parts of my life that have been leading separate lives. They will meet and fall in love, and learn to co-exist. There will be growing pains and struggles, but they will join hands and say, "You can do this because we are together."
I have in my life what other people may lack from time to time. I have children I have to set an example for. I have a husband that no matter what, will be my best friend, my ear, my shoulder, my hand. I have a safe place to voice my insecurity, and a firm voice to send them away.
I won't be afraid. I might be nervous, I might get lost, I might want to give up, but I know deep down, something GREAT is coming out of this one for sure.
I'd be completely lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was truly terrified of what was going to happen. There is a huge part of me that is trying to say that I'm going to fail - that it's going to be too hard - that I'm going to quit, but I can feel deep down that this is going to be awesome for me. I can feel that my heart is in it, I'm behind it 100%. I can feel deep down that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
One of the girls at my work who has studied toward becoming a psychologist was talking to me about my kids. We were talking about how I was scared to go, and that for the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't know who I really was. I mean I know my age, my name, my favourite colour, my favourite hockey team, when they will play in my city next, and what I'm passionate about, but at the end of the day, I've always been a mom. I've been Ben's mom and Jenna's mom and Jesse's mom and Jason's wife, and that has qualified my life for a long time.
I've curled and worked out, but at the end of the day, I've rushed through all of these things so that I can go home and be a mom and a wife. I love my life, I love my kids, I love my husband, and I know that they rely on me just as equally as I feel I have relied on them. I have used them as my crutch to get through really tough times in my life. I've always been able to go home and coccoon....I can insulate myself from the world and it's harshness, and relish in a world that when Jesse falls down in the backyard and is upset, I can be the center of his universe that makes him all better.
But outside of this persona, there are parts of me that are just - missing. I miss the girl that would have ants-in-her-pants to be the first one to do a presentation in school and see the looks on people's faces that said "Wow, that girl really knows her stuff!". I miss the girl that could leave her kid all day in daycare because I had a project due and be able to walk into the daycare and absolutely love the look on Ben's face when he knew it was time to go home. I miss being able to leave the sh*t at the door when I walked into home and just enjoy the denouement before work started again.
I'm afraid that this time, having kids and being a wife has eclipsed who I am. I'm afraid that I'm going to be the only one in school that can only relate to a lecture because one time it happened to a kid that I knew in school, or because it happened to my kid at school. I'm afraid that when I get up to give my presentations this time that they will see my chubby self instead of the brains behind the work. And I'm afraid that this time, my insecurities are laying where people can see them.
I know that having kids and being a wife has not eclipsed my persona at all. I know that it has enhanced all of those beautiful qualities that I have. I know that I am passionate in my beliefs because I CAN relate it to something that happened to me or my kids or my husband, and that I want to fight for someone else the way I wanted someone to fight for me.
The only thing I have to fear is me. I know I have to walk in there and own myself and my insecurities and bid them adieu. I know that I will hear the CASPS in my life that have encouraged every last part of this dream. I know that when I stand up to do the presentation, I won't feel like I'm in a fat suit. I feel like under this layer of skin has been the phoenix that is going to be my life very soon.
I'm afraid that I can no longer dumb it down in my life. This is where I'm going to be, and you are either going to come along for the ride and own it, or you'll be left in the dust. Maybe that is where the nerves are coming from because I've let those naysayers have shotgun for a while in the drive of life, and now, I've unceremoniously kicked them from the front seat to somewhere behind the trunk. And I'm unapologetic.
Tuesday is going to be the start of the rest of my other life. It is going to be the day that I wed the two parts of my life that have been leading separate lives. They will meet and fall in love, and learn to co-exist. There will be growing pains and struggles, but they will join hands and say, "You can do this because we are together."
I have in my life what other people may lack from time to time. I have children I have to set an example for. I have a husband that no matter what, will be my best friend, my ear, my shoulder, my hand. I have a safe place to voice my insecurity, and a firm voice to send them away.
I won't be afraid. I might be nervous, I might get lost, I might want to give up, but I know deep down, something GREAT is coming out of this one for sure.
Monday, 11 July 2011
Whirlwind Trip
Our spa trip
Quite honestly it was pretty unbelievable. We left Calgary at 7am, which meant we were up at 4:30 to shower and get our stuff outside for pick up. Mom picked us up in her car to take us to the airport, and then we were off. It was bitter sweet, I mean it's always hard to leave the kids, and this time, we were really sneaking out on them. We had put them to bed the night before, and we were gone before they woke up. I was worried that Jesse was going to be really upset knowing that Jay and I weren't there. But, apparently, he just thought I was at work.
We landed in Toronto at 12:30, and it seriously felt like we were in the bowels of Pearson airport. It's dark and dingy, there aren't any windows, and you are just there waiting for your luggage. All of our luggage came out face down, so it was hard to spot which one was yours. Ours came out almost dead last because you know, when you check in at 5am, it's the first bag loaded and the last bag off the plane.
When we came out of the baggage check, the exit doors to the airport are RIGHT THERE. It's not like Calgary where there are desks and kiosks and information areas, just doors to walk out into the street. We found our rental kiosk for the car, and luckily one of us packed a credit card because our reservation for the car was there, but the corporate credit card informatino to pay for the car was not. I called my contact for the trip, but of course, just voicemail. So we had to pay for the car, and off to the spa.
Getting on the freeway at Toronto was actually pretty easy. The instructions to the spa were very straightforward, and once we got on the 401 going east, it was a straight shot. It is a bit overwhelming at first to see almost 16 lanes of free way and then off ramps and on ramps and bridges and the like, but amazingly, people there knew how to drive. They let you merge in with them, they respect signal lights, so it was awesome!
We stopped at a huge Flea Market in Pickering, Ontario, but you know, once you've been to one market, you've really seen them all. Jay had a good case of ants in the pants so we had to get going. I can't really blame him, because once we got to the spa, it was like, what the hell we were doing wasting time at the dumpy old flea market!!
Ste Anne's spa is beautiful. Quite seriously. There are trees and hills, and flowers and statues, and little seating areas where you could read books for days. There are no street lights, there isn't even a town nearby. We went for a walk around the property, and it was awesome. I couldn't tell where to take pictures next. Each turn seemed more beautiful than the last, and the spa itself is a beautiful rambling castle type thing. It's brick and mortar, with big windows, and a ton of mature flowerbeds. We found a cozy little hammock and decided to lay down.
Once we laid down, the serenity really just took over. The hammock was big enough to fit the two of us, and all you could hear was the wind in the trees. It was hot there, and a bit muggy, but there was a breeze that was just enough to cool you off. I didn't even realise it but there was a set of windchimes hanging inside the gazebo where the hammock was, and as you closed your eyes and began to drift off to sleep, you could hear the ever so slight gongs of the windchimes as the wind picked up. The wind chimes were big too, so when they did go off, it was more like a deep gong as opposed to a high pitch chime. It really was lovely.
Dinner was amazing. It was a four course dinner, so we had soup or salad to start, followed by the main course and your side, and then dessert and coffee or tea. Ste Anne's has their own line of loose tea, and there was so much to pick from! I had roasted pork with potatoes, served with a red wine reduction. It was amazing!! I had never had a reduction before, and it was the most amazing taste. You could seriously taste every flavour in the wine. It was sweet and tart and tangy, and just the right compliment to the pork. I was so full after dinner! I tried the lemon souffle, but it really wasn't my thing. It was just a bit weird.
There was a huge king-size bed in our room, and when we went up there after dinner, they had put chocolates on our pillows. We stayed awake for a while, and it is amazing how quiet life is when you don't have a tv to put on endless chatter. Jay went outside for a smoke, and I tagged along. There were a ton of solar lights in the gardens, and everything was lit up beautifully There was a lighted archway on the path, so we had a little smooch there because I am a hopeless romantic. We then went and sat in the front yard of the spay and looked at the sky for a while. Since there are no street lights out there, there was a ton of stars to see. We walked out and around the spa grounds, just kind of checking things out.
We even managed to squeeze in some time in the hot tub, and we had the place to ourselves. I tried their cold plunge pool, and it was pretty awesome, and then followed it up with a dip in the hot tub. We tried out their eucalyptus steam room, and upon first entry, it was VERY overwhelming! It was like being in a tub of vicks vapo-rub. So I had to get out of there and get a towel to cover my eyes, but it was very good for your throat and lungs. It was so neat.
I thought we would be tired for day two, but we managed to get up at 7:30am TO time, which is 5:30 back home. We had breakfast (I opted for the omelette and Jay had french toast, of course!), and then it was time for our treatments. I had to have the mud bath, and Jay was going for the Thai massage.
I was nervous for the mud bath, because you have to be naked with another person in the room. That person is your esthetician (is that how it's spelt?) but it can be overwhelming. Her name was Dan, and she was great. She brought me into the treatment room which has the lights dimmed, and explained the entire process from start to finish. When it was time to get changed, she explained how to get ready first, and then gave you the time to get changed (in this case undressed) in privacy. So first, I had to have a steam bath.
You basically just go in the staem room with a towel around your body, and another around the shoulders. You're in there for about five minutes. Then she brings you out of the steam room and back into the treatment room. From there, You have to get naked and get into the biggest bathtub of mud. The tub actually isn't much bigger than the tub in your house, but it is filled to the top with mud. You have to sit on the edge of the tub, reach one had across the tub, and hoist yourself up on your arms (one arm on each side basically straddling the tub), and then drape your legs on either side of the tub. From there, you plunk your legs in the tub, and squiggle on down.
Dana was great though, she held the towel up for you, the same way you do when you take the kids swimming and you have to change them without the world seeing their bits. She stands behind you, and you open the towel. She takes the towel and holds it up so that she can only see your head and neck.
Once you are squiggled down in the mud, you scoop it up over your chest. The mud was about 105 degrees on top, and she said about 135 near the bottom. The mud is dirt from Ontario and Clay from Saskatchewan, and itis the only fully suspended mud bath in Canada. There is no gravity in there, your body is held in place by the mud itself. You get to soak in ther for about ten minutes. She gave me a facial with cool water, and it was such a neat feeling to be so warm from your neck down, but cool from the neck up.
After the ten minutes, you have to basically prop yourself up on your arms and elbows at the top edge of the tub. Then in one motion, quickly shove your feet down to the bottom, and make your arms pull you out of the mud. Like you would if you were trying to sit on the edge of a counter. Then you sit on the edge of the tub, and there is seriously about an inch of mud caked to your body.
With your bottom and feet on the edge of the tub, you have to use your hands o squeegee off mud from your legs and arms. It has the consistency of cake batter, so it was pretty neat. Once you get off enough of the mud by hand, you get to use the shower to get the rest off.
That mud really gets EVERYWHERE. Right when I thought my arms were clean, you would lift up one arm, and there would be more mud there. It took the longest to get my legs clean though. I guess because the water sluices from the top down, the bottom half is the last to get attention.
When you are showering, she pulls the curtains closed so she can't see you, and then when you turn the water off, she thrusts the towel between the curtains at you wihtout peeking in. From there, it was on to the Vichy shower.
The Vichy shower is 8 shower heads suspended in the air. You basically lay on a massage table as these 8 showeheads beat down on you. Again, you warp up in the towel, and iwth my back to Dana and when I was ready, I would open the towel and she would hold it so I could get on the table. She would then drape the towel on your backside so your bum isn't peeking.
She quickly massaged my upper back and legs, and then left me to enjoy this crazy shower experience. It was so neat. There was so much water!! She leaves the room, and then comes back like 10 or 15 minutes later Dana came back to get me out. She turned off the water, and then again, just held the towel up with her face turned away so I could get out.
Then it was time to towel off and put my jammies and robe back on. It was amazing. I was SO RELAXED afterward. I went up to the room, and just sat. My skin was velvety smooth - even my elbows and my heels. I felt spent - not tired, just fully relaxed. Jay came up from his treatment, and we had a little mid-morning siesta. We just crashed on the bed with the blinds open - it was so bright and cheery in that room, and we just rested.
Then we had to go for lunch. I was into trying new things, so I had the homemade tomato soup (utterly delicious) and the hoisin glazed salmon (I'm not a big fish eater). Both dishes - delicious. The portions at first seemed so small, but once you ate, you really felt full. I'm sure they used their dietitian techniques and the glycemic index, but once you ate, you were like, wow, why doesn't my home food feel like this?! I had to cancel my foot massage in the afternoon because by lunch time, my feet were SO SENSITIVE. They figure I must've burned them when I was getting out of the tub, and that's why they were sensitive. They didn't hurt, but they just didn't want to be touched.
So, we skipped the afternoon walk and drove to Niagara Falls! The drive was long, there were a few spots on the 401 where traffic was a serious standstill. But it was SO worth it. We overpaid for parking by some hyenas, but what can you do. They smelled the tourists coming. We walked all the way down Falls Avenue, and it was not disappointing at all. The State side has two sets of falls, one a bit smaller than the other. We took pictures there and went through the tourist trap gift shop, and then walked further down to the Canadian Falls. They are ENORMOUS. It is so loud. The mist from the cascading water raises higher than the falls themselves.
You can watch the mist basically dance on the air around it - it swirls up and around and all over the place. As you get closer, when the wind shifts, the mist falls all over you! It was amazing. We checked out a few more tourist trap gift shops, and sucked in some of their wares, and then bought tickets for the Journey Behind the Falls.
There is an elevator you take 125 feet down, and then there is a tunnel you can take to two different look out posts behind the falls. The water roar is deafening. I can't remember wen the tunnels were built, but I took pictures of the signs. I'll update that later.
The falls are pretty cool even from the back. There are guardrails up so you can't get too close, but because the water is going so fast, the mist and spray gets sucked in to those tunnels. It can splash at your feet. The spray showers you, and it was so neat! There is another observation area where you can walk out on a little platform about 100 feet from the falls. It is so wet there.
We saw this little dude, and he was soaked. His mom was carrying his rain poncho, and it was a bit sad. The poor gaffer was shivering and asking his mom for new clothes, and he was quite seriously soaked. We went out there and snapped pictures as fast as we could. The spray covered the camera lens and the viewing thing, so we had to be careful. But seriously, one of the best moments of my life. It was so awesome to share it with my husband!
We left there and went for a little walk around. The hills are pretty steep there in Niagara, so when you start up them, about half way up the hills, our calves are screaming! We saw this cool little pizza bar - and it really was a pizza bar. You sat on stools at the counter and ordered pizza at the window. We really should've eaten there, but the truth is, because it is so close to the actual falls, it is priced for tourists, not regulars. Most of the shops in that area were charging $25 a plate.....and of course because we were already stung twice, I was not going to do that again!
So we found another street, and it was like a different world. They had souvenir stuff for like 1/10 of the price - that made me feel stupid! They had some regular restuarants and some mom and pop shops. We found another pizza place that had converted an old garage into their pizza place. The roll door opened, and their seating area was there with tables and chairs, and there was another little bar type area where you sat on stools at the counter. We skipped that one too. :-(
We opted for TGIFridays. We had never been there either, and by then, we were tired and hungry. We ate some burgers and fries, and compared to the spa food, this was bland!! But it served the purpose. Tax in Ontario is messed up. We paid 5% and 8% and a $1.00 Tourist Improvement Fee. It was weird. But the server was nice - they get lots of tourists so she answered our questions.
We hadn't even realised, but it was July 4th. Niagara Falls was swimming in Americans. By the time we finished eating and were trying to find the car, we found the Sky Wheel! It is a HUGE Ferris Wheel! Jay wanted to go on, and I was scared, but then I was like you know what? I'm tired of being scared and self-conscious. I'm going! Tickets were like $10, but it was a twenty minute wait minimum. It was already 10pm, and we still had a three hour drive back to Grafton. So reluctantly, we left.
We caught some fireworks on both sides of the border - we could see Buffalo's display, and as we were leaving, the Canadian show was starting. So Jay - always a dear when I least expect it, stopped so we could watch!! It was at that moment I felt like bursting into tears. I was so happy. I saw the falls with my husband, ate dinner with my husband, and who honestly can say that they've been to Niagara Falls on July 4th for fireworks? It might not be Canada Day, but you know, any time I see fireworks, that's how I feel about being married. I'm lucky, and I know it. When I'm scared, I have someone that will listen to me and not judge. When I want to be held in the middle of the night, I can reach out and drape one of his big arms around me and immediately feel safe. I have a partner in every sense of the word and though I tease him, I wouldn't trade him for anyone else.
So we drove back to Grafton. There was construction on the 401 going back, so again, we were stuck in Deerfoot trail like traffic at 11pm at night. A bit aggravating, but when it was go time, we could go 130 with no problems! And since it was so late at night, it was like semi-heaven. They all drove in the right lane so you could roll up on the left and split. It was awesome!
By the time we got to the spa, it was just after 1am. When we got to the doors, they were all locked! We were like adolescents at that point. We had to knock on the door and tell the desk manager that we had locked ourselves out. He was nice and let us in, but it was totally like highschool when you snuck out of the house and had to sneak back in.
We were considerably more tired today, and kinda sad we had to leave. I saw a lot of ladies with their girlfriends, and I hope that one day, I'll be ablet o go back with Sara. She's been the only true constant in my life, the true north compass your life needs. There was a scrabble board in my room and downstairs, and every where I looked, there were spaces for us to be able to sit and pass the day away. I can't wait!
So I tried eggs benedict, and again, it was great. I had a bath in the jacuzzi tub, and reluctantly packed up my stuff. I'm excited to see the kids, but sad that this part is coming to a close. Jay went for his foot rub, and he was so cute. He came back to the room and asked me to touch his hair (they gave him a scalp massage with oil) and to smell his feet. What a guy.
I went for mine a bit later, and really, it's hard to follow up that mud bath. The foot massage was relaxing and different, the scalp massage was neat, and the half hour really passed to quickly. My feet are silky smooth. But really, paled in comparison to the mud bath. :-)
We ate our lunch and checked out. I bought some tea to take home for Sara and Chelsey. We drove back to Toronto, but this time, finding the airport was difficult. We tried to use my phone's GPS and it took us to the bloody service area of the airport. We had to try three times to find the right car rental return area, and then find the terminal. There were two different ones to pick from, and of course, we chose wrong.
So we were in terminal 1 and we needed terminal 3. We had to take the sky bus rom terminal 1 to terminal 3, and we were both freaking out over how much time we had. We were both scared of security going back, as we heard the line could be long and it might not leave us much time to board. We were both testy, so when I tried to check in my e-pass, I forgot to check my luggage. Then my boarding card didn't print. Then I was upset. Jay snapped at me and I snapped at him, and we were both so emotionally spent, I had to walk away!
But finally a Westjet lady came over and gave us a hand, and we were finally on our way. Security was a breeze, no pat downs or boob touching or watching. Jay and I made up, ate some Timmy's, and I uploaded some pics to facebook to share. Then it was time to board.
I'm so excited to see the kids, I'm ready to turf my luggage. The flight has been okay so far, just long. The chick in front of me has her seat reclined all the way back, so I'm typing like a midget. I don't care. I hope 'm jigglig her seat the entire time! She almost bashed me in the nose when she reclined her seat, so you know. I hope the incessant clacking of my keys is driving her. ha ha. I'm so mean.
But in truth, I'm happy. I'm content. Im' blessed. I had a great trip. It was free. We got to spend an amazing day at Niagara Falls. We got to spend an amazing time at the spa.
You know what is great?
Stars in the sky
quiet
solitude
mud baths
rest
outside
flowers
trees
wind
lakes
water
waterfalls
the breeze
and
great company.
This trip is to die for. A trip that w eprobably won't be able to replicate any time soon, but one we won't forget.
My life is full and I have much to give. I am grateful for my full heart. I am gratefu that I choose to give instead of receive sometimes, and even though I get hurt, I'd rather be hurt and happy than stingy and sad.
I can't wait to see Jenna and Jesse and Ben. I can't wait to be home!
Quite honestly it was pretty unbelievable. We left Calgary at 7am, which meant we were up at 4:30 to shower and get our stuff outside for pick up. Mom picked us up in her car to take us to the airport, and then we were off. It was bitter sweet, I mean it's always hard to leave the kids, and this time, we were really sneaking out on them. We had put them to bed the night before, and we were gone before they woke up. I was worried that Jesse was going to be really upset knowing that Jay and I weren't there. But, apparently, he just thought I was at work.
We landed in Toronto at 12:30, and it seriously felt like we were in the bowels of Pearson airport. It's dark and dingy, there aren't any windows, and you are just there waiting for your luggage. All of our luggage came out face down, so it was hard to spot which one was yours. Ours came out almost dead last because you know, when you check in at 5am, it's the first bag loaded and the last bag off the plane.
When we came out of the baggage check, the exit doors to the airport are RIGHT THERE. It's not like Calgary where there are desks and kiosks and information areas, just doors to walk out into the street. We found our rental kiosk for the car, and luckily one of us packed a credit card because our reservation for the car was there, but the corporate credit card informatino to pay for the car was not. I called my contact for the trip, but of course, just voicemail. So we had to pay for the car, and off to the spa.
Getting on the freeway at Toronto was actually pretty easy. The instructions to the spa were very straightforward, and once we got on the 401 going east, it was a straight shot. It is a bit overwhelming at first to see almost 16 lanes of free way and then off ramps and on ramps and bridges and the like, but amazingly, people there knew how to drive. They let you merge in with them, they respect signal lights, so it was awesome!
We stopped at a huge Flea Market in Pickering, Ontario, but you know, once you've been to one market, you've really seen them all. Jay had a good case of ants in the pants so we had to get going. I can't really blame him, because once we got to the spa, it was like, what the hell we were doing wasting time at the dumpy old flea market!!
Ste Anne's spa is beautiful. Quite seriously. There are trees and hills, and flowers and statues, and little seating areas where you could read books for days. There are no street lights, there isn't even a town nearby. We went for a walk around the property, and it was awesome. I couldn't tell where to take pictures next. Each turn seemed more beautiful than the last, and the spa itself is a beautiful rambling castle type thing. It's brick and mortar, with big windows, and a ton of mature flowerbeds. We found a cozy little hammock and decided to lay down.
Once we laid down, the serenity really just took over. The hammock was big enough to fit the two of us, and all you could hear was the wind in the trees. It was hot there, and a bit muggy, but there was a breeze that was just enough to cool you off. I didn't even realise it but there was a set of windchimes hanging inside the gazebo where the hammock was, and as you closed your eyes and began to drift off to sleep, you could hear the ever so slight gongs of the windchimes as the wind picked up. The wind chimes were big too, so when they did go off, it was more like a deep gong as opposed to a high pitch chime. It really was lovely.
Dinner was amazing. It was a four course dinner, so we had soup or salad to start, followed by the main course and your side, and then dessert and coffee or tea. Ste Anne's has their own line of loose tea, and there was so much to pick from! I had roasted pork with potatoes, served with a red wine reduction. It was amazing!! I had never had a reduction before, and it was the most amazing taste. You could seriously taste every flavour in the wine. It was sweet and tart and tangy, and just the right compliment to the pork. I was so full after dinner! I tried the lemon souffle, but it really wasn't my thing. It was just a bit weird.
There was a huge king-size bed in our room, and when we went up there after dinner, they had put chocolates on our pillows. We stayed awake for a while, and it is amazing how quiet life is when you don't have a tv to put on endless chatter. Jay went outside for a smoke, and I tagged along. There were a ton of solar lights in the gardens, and everything was lit up beautifully There was a lighted archway on the path, so we had a little smooch there because I am a hopeless romantic. We then went and sat in the front yard of the spay and looked at the sky for a while. Since there are no street lights out there, there was a ton of stars to see. We walked out and around the spa grounds, just kind of checking things out.
We even managed to squeeze in some time in the hot tub, and we had the place to ourselves. I tried their cold plunge pool, and it was pretty awesome, and then followed it up with a dip in the hot tub. We tried out their eucalyptus steam room, and upon first entry, it was VERY overwhelming! It was like being in a tub of vicks vapo-rub. So I had to get out of there and get a towel to cover my eyes, but it was very good for your throat and lungs. It was so neat.
I thought we would be tired for day two, but we managed to get up at 7:30am TO time, which is 5:30 back home. We had breakfast (I opted for the omelette and Jay had french toast, of course!), and then it was time for our treatments. I had to have the mud bath, and Jay was going for the Thai massage.
I was nervous for the mud bath, because you have to be naked with another person in the room. That person is your esthetician (is that how it's spelt?) but it can be overwhelming. Her name was Dan, and she was great. She brought me into the treatment room which has the lights dimmed, and explained the entire process from start to finish. When it was time to get changed, she explained how to get ready first, and then gave you the time to get changed (in this case undressed) in privacy. So first, I had to have a steam bath.
You basically just go in the staem room with a towel around your body, and another around the shoulders. You're in there for about five minutes. Then she brings you out of the steam room and back into the treatment room. From there, You have to get naked and get into the biggest bathtub of mud. The tub actually isn't much bigger than the tub in your house, but it is filled to the top with mud. You have to sit on the edge of the tub, reach one had across the tub, and hoist yourself up on your arms (one arm on each side basically straddling the tub), and then drape your legs on either side of the tub. From there, you plunk your legs in the tub, and squiggle on down.
Dana was great though, she held the towel up for you, the same way you do when you take the kids swimming and you have to change them without the world seeing their bits. She stands behind you, and you open the towel. She takes the towel and holds it up so that she can only see your head and neck.
Once you are squiggled down in the mud, you scoop it up over your chest. The mud was about 105 degrees on top, and she said about 135 near the bottom. The mud is dirt from Ontario and Clay from Saskatchewan, and itis the only fully suspended mud bath in Canada. There is no gravity in there, your body is held in place by the mud itself. You get to soak in ther for about ten minutes. She gave me a facial with cool water, and it was such a neat feeling to be so warm from your neck down, but cool from the neck up.
After the ten minutes, you have to basically prop yourself up on your arms and elbows at the top edge of the tub. Then in one motion, quickly shove your feet down to the bottom, and make your arms pull you out of the mud. Like you would if you were trying to sit on the edge of a counter. Then you sit on the edge of the tub, and there is seriously about an inch of mud caked to your body.
With your bottom and feet on the edge of the tub, you have to use your hands o squeegee off mud from your legs and arms. It has the consistency of cake batter, so it was pretty neat. Once you get off enough of the mud by hand, you get to use the shower to get the rest off.
That mud really gets EVERYWHERE. Right when I thought my arms were clean, you would lift up one arm, and there would be more mud there. It took the longest to get my legs clean though. I guess because the water sluices from the top down, the bottom half is the last to get attention.
When you are showering, she pulls the curtains closed so she can't see you, and then when you turn the water off, she thrusts the towel between the curtains at you wihtout peeking in. From there, it was on to the Vichy shower.
The Vichy shower is 8 shower heads suspended in the air. You basically lay on a massage table as these 8 showeheads beat down on you. Again, you warp up in the towel, and iwth my back to Dana and when I was ready, I would open the towel and she would hold it so I could get on the table. She would then drape the towel on your backside so your bum isn't peeking.
She quickly massaged my upper back and legs, and then left me to enjoy this crazy shower experience. It was so neat. There was so much water!! She leaves the room, and then comes back like 10 or 15 minutes later Dana came back to get me out. She turned off the water, and then again, just held the towel up with her face turned away so I could get out.
Then it was time to towel off and put my jammies and robe back on. It was amazing. I was SO RELAXED afterward. I went up to the room, and just sat. My skin was velvety smooth - even my elbows and my heels. I felt spent - not tired, just fully relaxed. Jay came up from his treatment, and we had a little mid-morning siesta. We just crashed on the bed with the blinds open - it was so bright and cheery in that room, and we just rested.
Then we had to go for lunch. I was into trying new things, so I had the homemade tomato soup (utterly delicious) and the hoisin glazed salmon (I'm not a big fish eater). Both dishes - delicious. The portions at first seemed so small, but once you ate, you really felt full. I'm sure they used their dietitian techniques and the glycemic index, but once you ate, you were like, wow, why doesn't my home food feel like this?! I had to cancel my foot massage in the afternoon because by lunch time, my feet were SO SENSITIVE. They figure I must've burned them when I was getting out of the tub, and that's why they were sensitive. They didn't hurt, but they just didn't want to be touched.
So, we skipped the afternoon walk and drove to Niagara Falls! The drive was long, there were a few spots on the 401 where traffic was a serious standstill. But it was SO worth it. We overpaid for parking by some hyenas, but what can you do. They smelled the tourists coming. We walked all the way down Falls Avenue, and it was not disappointing at all. The State side has two sets of falls, one a bit smaller than the other. We took pictures there and went through the tourist trap gift shop, and then walked further down to the Canadian Falls. They are ENORMOUS. It is so loud. The mist from the cascading water raises higher than the falls themselves.
You can watch the mist basically dance on the air around it - it swirls up and around and all over the place. As you get closer, when the wind shifts, the mist falls all over you! It was amazing. We checked out a few more tourist trap gift shops, and sucked in some of their wares, and then bought tickets for the Journey Behind the Falls.
There is an elevator you take 125 feet down, and then there is a tunnel you can take to two different look out posts behind the falls. The water roar is deafening. I can't remember wen the tunnels were built, but I took pictures of the signs. I'll update that later.
The falls are pretty cool even from the back. There are guardrails up so you can't get too close, but because the water is going so fast, the mist and spray gets sucked in to those tunnels. It can splash at your feet. The spray showers you, and it was so neat! There is another observation area where you can walk out on a little platform about 100 feet from the falls. It is so wet there.
We saw this little dude, and he was soaked. His mom was carrying his rain poncho, and it was a bit sad. The poor gaffer was shivering and asking his mom for new clothes, and he was quite seriously soaked. We went out there and snapped pictures as fast as we could. The spray covered the camera lens and the viewing thing, so we had to be careful. But seriously, one of the best moments of my life. It was so awesome to share it with my husband!
We left there and went for a little walk around. The hills are pretty steep there in Niagara, so when you start up them, about half way up the hills, our calves are screaming! We saw this cool little pizza bar - and it really was a pizza bar. You sat on stools at the counter and ordered pizza at the window. We really should've eaten there, but the truth is, because it is so close to the actual falls, it is priced for tourists, not regulars. Most of the shops in that area were charging $25 a plate.....and of course because we were already stung twice, I was not going to do that again!
So we found another street, and it was like a different world. They had souvenir stuff for like 1/10 of the price - that made me feel stupid! They had some regular restuarants and some mom and pop shops. We found another pizza place that had converted an old garage into their pizza place. The roll door opened, and their seating area was there with tables and chairs, and there was another little bar type area where you sat on stools at the counter. We skipped that one too. :-(
We opted for TGIFridays. We had never been there either, and by then, we were tired and hungry. We ate some burgers and fries, and compared to the spa food, this was bland!! But it served the purpose. Tax in Ontario is messed up. We paid 5% and 8% and a $1.00 Tourist Improvement Fee. It was weird. But the server was nice - they get lots of tourists so she answered our questions.
We hadn't even realised, but it was July 4th. Niagara Falls was swimming in Americans. By the time we finished eating and were trying to find the car, we found the Sky Wheel! It is a HUGE Ferris Wheel! Jay wanted to go on, and I was scared, but then I was like you know what? I'm tired of being scared and self-conscious. I'm going! Tickets were like $10, but it was a twenty minute wait minimum. It was already 10pm, and we still had a three hour drive back to Grafton. So reluctantly, we left.
We caught some fireworks on both sides of the border - we could see Buffalo's display, and as we were leaving, the Canadian show was starting. So Jay - always a dear when I least expect it, stopped so we could watch!! It was at that moment I felt like bursting into tears. I was so happy. I saw the falls with my husband, ate dinner with my husband, and who honestly can say that they've been to Niagara Falls on July 4th for fireworks? It might not be Canada Day, but you know, any time I see fireworks, that's how I feel about being married. I'm lucky, and I know it. When I'm scared, I have someone that will listen to me and not judge. When I want to be held in the middle of the night, I can reach out and drape one of his big arms around me and immediately feel safe. I have a partner in every sense of the word and though I tease him, I wouldn't trade him for anyone else.
So we drove back to Grafton. There was construction on the 401 going back, so again, we were stuck in Deerfoot trail like traffic at 11pm at night. A bit aggravating, but when it was go time, we could go 130 with no problems! And since it was so late at night, it was like semi-heaven. They all drove in the right lane so you could roll up on the left and split. It was awesome!
By the time we got to the spa, it was just after 1am. When we got to the doors, they were all locked! We were like adolescents at that point. We had to knock on the door and tell the desk manager that we had locked ourselves out. He was nice and let us in, but it was totally like highschool when you snuck out of the house and had to sneak back in.
We were considerably more tired today, and kinda sad we had to leave. I saw a lot of ladies with their girlfriends, and I hope that one day, I'll be ablet o go back with Sara. She's been the only true constant in my life, the true north compass your life needs. There was a scrabble board in my room and downstairs, and every where I looked, there were spaces for us to be able to sit and pass the day away. I can't wait!
So I tried eggs benedict, and again, it was great. I had a bath in the jacuzzi tub, and reluctantly packed up my stuff. I'm excited to see the kids, but sad that this part is coming to a close. Jay went for his foot rub, and he was so cute. He came back to the room and asked me to touch his hair (they gave him a scalp massage with oil) and to smell his feet. What a guy.
I went for mine a bit later, and really, it's hard to follow up that mud bath. The foot massage was relaxing and different, the scalp massage was neat, and the half hour really passed to quickly. My feet are silky smooth. But really, paled in comparison to the mud bath. :-)
We ate our lunch and checked out. I bought some tea to take home for Sara and Chelsey. We drove back to Toronto, but this time, finding the airport was difficult. We tried to use my phone's GPS and it took us to the bloody service area of the airport. We had to try three times to find the right car rental return area, and then find the terminal. There were two different ones to pick from, and of course, we chose wrong.
So we were in terminal 1 and we needed terminal 3. We had to take the sky bus rom terminal 1 to terminal 3, and we were both freaking out over how much time we had. We were both scared of security going back, as we heard the line could be long and it might not leave us much time to board. We were both testy, so when I tried to check in my e-pass, I forgot to check my luggage. Then my boarding card didn't print. Then I was upset. Jay snapped at me and I snapped at him, and we were both so emotionally spent, I had to walk away!
But finally a Westjet lady came over and gave us a hand, and we were finally on our way. Security was a breeze, no pat downs or boob touching or watching. Jay and I made up, ate some Timmy's, and I uploaded some pics to facebook to share. Then it was time to board.
I'm so excited to see the kids, I'm ready to turf my luggage. The flight has been okay so far, just long. The chick in front of me has her seat reclined all the way back, so I'm typing like a midget. I don't care. I hope 'm jigglig her seat the entire time! She almost bashed me in the nose when she reclined her seat, so you know. I hope the incessant clacking of my keys is driving her. ha ha. I'm so mean.
But in truth, I'm happy. I'm content. Im' blessed. I had a great trip. It was free. We got to spend an amazing day at Niagara Falls. We got to spend an amazing time at the spa.
You know what is great?
Stars in the sky
quiet
solitude
mud baths
rest
outside
flowers
trees
wind
lakes
water
waterfalls
the breeze
and
great company.
This trip is to die for. A trip that w eprobably won't be able to replicate any time soon, but one we won't forget.
My life is full and I have much to give. I am grateful for my full heart. I am gratefu that I choose to give instead of receive sometimes, and even though I get hurt, I'd rather be hurt and happy than stingy and sad.
I can't wait to see Jenna and Jesse and Ben. I can't wait to be home!
Monday, 27 June 2011
The Definition of Family
I've always believed that there is more than one definition of family. There is the family that you are born with - your mom, dad, brothers and sisters - and another one that you make. It can be friends or best friends that you can't imagine your life without, your in-laws, and sometimes cousins or other distant relatives that slowly become closer to you than the family you were born with.
My "family" has had different faces along the way. I lived with my mom and spent time with my maternal grandparents, had a sister that I spent pretty much every waking moment with. I also had my dad's family, with his wife, a brother, a sister, and a step-sister. I was closer to my "sister" there than my brother or my step-sister because we were only two years apart. My brother was four years older than me, and so often, was spending his time with his friends than at home with his irritating sisters. My step-sister got pregnant when she was still in highschool, so life was VERY different for her than it was for me.
Each of these families taught me skills that I have used in my own life with my own kids. When I got to adulthood, and got a job, and a place and had things like daycare bills to pay, I learned pretty quickly to be responsible for myself. I had to learn how to make and stick to a budget, how to make and keep payment arrangements for when my bills got behind, and some of these skills you don't learn sitting around the dinner table with your family.
I made a huge move when I was younger, moving an entire province away from my maternal family. The furthest I had been with them was when I went to college in Mission, but even then, I spent my Christmas holidays and summer holidays at home with my grandma and my sister. But when I moved provinces, I was really and suddenly alone. I spent my days with my soon-to-be husband and my son, and we created our own family.
We moved again and moved closer to my husband's family, and my family life changed again. I went from a very open and extended family to a very tight knit, small family. I had to learn how to relate to this family and how they liked to be spoken to. I had to learn how to do their family dinners and get togethers, as they were a bit different than what mine at home had been. I missed having a mom, and sometimes, seeing my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law together made me feel a bit of jealousy. My family was gone, and I was transitioning from really needing or having my mom around all the time (even when we fought) to not having one at all.
Slowly, over time, I learned my place in this family, but still struggle from time to time when I want to have my own "mommy" around. There are times I still want to have that person to talk to, or have at the kids' events, but I've learned that for my kids, they want their mommy - and that person is me! I still get frustrated and irritated, but for the most part, I know that when my kids look back on their life, they will always remember seeing me there, and that is more important than anything.
But now I feel like I'm faced with a conundrum. My kids are getting older, and I want to go "home". Just once. I want them to see and remember the place where I grew up, and to see what places were important to me. I want to take my mom with me so that my kids are able to hear her stories, and keep them safe. I know she won't be here forever, and I'm struggling with what to do.
When my mom was sick, we suffered a huge divide. She went through a really tough time, and she lashed out against me. As much as I tried to hide my own emotions, I just couldn't. I felt things should have been handled a certain way, and she felt that her way was also right. I can see now how badly our emotions jaded our opinions, but at the time, once you are challenged and take a stand, it's pretty hard to turn around.
So for a good while, I really walked on my own. I couldn't risk getting sucked in to the swirling eddies of my mom's emotions, but each day I spent away from her, the further apart we became. I had a full plate with a husband dealing with his own alcohol addiction, and facing my own alcohol addiction, and raising three kids. THere comes a time that you have to pick which part of the plate you are going to work on, and the rest of it goes to the way side.
My pride kept me from admitting some of my issues to my maternal family, but in reality, they were faced with a similar thing. My mom's issues needed attention to, and for them, that was what they needed to deal with, and could not help me with mine. So we stayed on opposite paths.
But now, I feel like our paths are converging in the woods. I know my mom isn't going to be here forever and families are dynamic things. Aspects of it can change over time. I'm scared because I have guilt over my past issues with my mom and how her family views me, but I can't punish my kids because of these things they don't know about.
I detest the idea of asking for forgiveness because in a sense, I don't feel what I did was wrong. I did the best with what I had, and though it wasn't perfect, it was what I had to do to survive. Just the thought of it makes my hands curl up and get sweaty. And it's probably my own pride because I would want them to ask the same thing of me because I don't think they were right either.
Sigh.
I just hope that over the next few weeks or months I can find some happy medium in here. I don't want my maternal family to pass away with my mom, and there are things that I want us to do together. When you are a kid, you always imagine going on holidays with your parents or sharing stories of the things you guys did when you were little. There is still time, I just don't know how much.
Things are changing, I just don't know where the change is going to take me.
My "family" has had different faces along the way. I lived with my mom and spent time with my maternal grandparents, had a sister that I spent pretty much every waking moment with. I also had my dad's family, with his wife, a brother, a sister, and a step-sister. I was closer to my "sister" there than my brother or my step-sister because we were only two years apart. My brother was four years older than me, and so often, was spending his time with his friends than at home with his irritating sisters. My step-sister got pregnant when she was still in highschool, so life was VERY different for her than it was for me.
Each of these families taught me skills that I have used in my own life with my own kids. When I got to adulthood, and got a job, and a place and had things like daycare bills to pay, I learned pretty quickly to be responsible for myself. I had to learn how to make and stick to a budget, how to make and keep payment arrangements for when my bills got behind, and some of these skills you don't learn sitting around the dinner table with your family.
I made a huge move when I was younger, moving an entire province away from my maternal family. The furthest I had been with them was when I went to college in Mission, but even then, I spent my Christmas holidays and summer holidays at home with my grandma and my sister. But when I moved provinces, I was really and suddenly alone. I spent my days with my soon-to-be husband and my son, and we created our own family.
We moved again and moved closer to my husband's family, and my family life changed again. I went from a very open and extended family to a very tight knit, small family. I had to learn how to relate to this family and how they liked to be spoken to. I had to learn how to do their family dinners and get togethers, as they were a bit different than what mine at home had been. I missed having a mom, and sometimes, seeing my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law together made me feel a bit of jealousy. My family was gone, and I was transitioning from really needing or having my mom around all the time (even when we fought) to not having one at all.
Slowly, over time, I learned my place in this family, but still struggle from time to time when I want to have my own "mommy" around. There are times I still want to have that person to talk to, or have at the kids' events, but I've learned that for my kids, they want their mommy - and that person is me! I still get frustrated and irritated, but for the most part, I know that when my kids look back on their life, they will always remember seeing me there, and that is more important than anything.
But now I feel like I'm faced with a conundrum. My kids are getting older, and I want to go "home". Just once. I want them to see and remember the place where I grew up, and to see what places were important to me. I want to take my mom with me so that my kids are able to hear her stories, and keep them safe. I know she won't be here forever, and I'm struggling with what to do.
When my mom was sick, we suffered a huge divide. She went through a really tough time, and she lashed out against me. As much as I tried to hide my own emotions, I just couldn't. I felt things should have been handled a certain way, and she felt that her way was also right. I can see now how badly our emotions jaded our opinions, but at the time, once you are challenged and take a stand, it's pretty hard to turn around.
So for a good while, I really walked on my own. I couldn't risk getting sucked in to the swirling eddies of my mom's emotions, but each day I spent away from her, the further apart we became. I had a full plate with a husband dealing with his own alcohol addiction, and facing my own alcohol addiction, and raising three kids. THere comes a time that you have to pick which part of the plate you are going to work on, and the rest of it goes to the way side.
My pride kept me from admitting some of my issues to my maternal family, but in reality, they were faced with a similar thing. My mom's issues needed attention to, and for them, that was what they needed to deal with, and could not help me with mine. So we stayed on opposite paths.
But now, I feel like our paths are converging in the woods. I know my mom isn't going to be here forever and families are dynamic things. Aspects of it can change over time. I'm scared because I have guilt over my past issues with my mom and how her family views me, but I can't punish my kids because of these things they don't know about.
I detest the idea of asking for forgiveness because in a sense, I don't feel what I did was wrong. I did the best with what I had, and though it wasn't perfect, it was what I had to do to survive. Just the thought of it makes my hands curl up and get sweaty. And it's probably my own pride because I would want them to ask the same thing of me because I don't think they were right either.
Sigh.
I just hope that over the next few weeks or months I can find some happy medium in here. I don't want my maternal family to pass away with my mom, and there are things that I want us to do together. When you are a kid, you always imagine going on holidays with your parents or sharing stories of the things you guys did when you were little. There is still time, I just don't know how much.
Things are changing, I just don't know where the change is going to take me.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Something Beautiful
Every once in a while - in life - you are treated with something that is too beautiful for you to even bear. Sometimes they are moments, sometimes they are people, sometimes they are things - but they truly are things that you won't forget.
I had this amazing friend in my life that I loved so much that it hurt. She was my everything - she was my ears, my heart, my mind. We used to watch Oprah in the afternoons before I had to pick up my son from daycare and drink tea. We used to go furniture shopping with her husband where we would price out all of the furniture to see which one had the best deal. She let me see parts of her marriage that most friends would hide - and that taught me how to be a wife to my own husband when I was lucky enough to be married.
I moved away, and as with most moves, we kind of drifted apart. Life takes you on wild rides, and time flies, and before you know it, those moments are but a memory of your past. I never forgot what that time was like with her, and even in my darkest moments, I would remember how she would encourage me and that alone would help me press forward.
Then we were reunited through good ol' FB. It was such an intense reunion - there was so much to say and get through and I felt like I was so indebted to her for all that she had done in my life - whether she knew it or not. We were again fast friends but life had different plans for us.
I desperately needed a friend and confidante - I was married, helping a beleagured husband battle alcohol addiction, raising three kids, and still trying to learn how to be a mother for myself. She is the mother to three wonderful children, a wife to a great man, and the arch-nemesis of Juvenile Diabetes. Her daughter was diagnosed with JD when she was just 18 months old - and no matter how much we like to say that we know what she is going through, we just don't. I didn't know how to be her friend, and I needed more from her than she could give.
We again drifted apart, but I still watched her progress through different pages and forums on FB, and watched her start a photography business and be a HUGE advocate for JDRF - Juvenile Diabetes Reserach Foundation. She has travelled and spoken at many conventions and raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for her (family's) cause and through the miracle of internet, watched her touch hundreds of lives, one person at a time.
When she writes, I feel like I'm looking at God himself in her image. It is like the light she shines is so bright it burns, and to be able to look at it for more than a few seconds is to be consumed in its fire. I can't tell you how her words and her pictures affect me - it's like she speaks right to the core of my soul.
I once referred to myself as the soil that fertilized her tree. She has transformed into a mighty oak - strong and tall and beautiful - and I often feel left in her shadow. I hope that she loves me still as much as I love her, as I will never forget the lessons that her and her husband taught me about what it was to love someone - to be a parent - to be a partner. And to this day, I still learn from them daily through the pictures and words that she writes, and often, I'm too tongue tied to be able to rightly tell her how she inspires me.
And that is my something beautiful. I will never forget her all the days of my life, and from our humble beginnings, I can rejoice in all of her accomplishments, and still watch her kids grow. I can't be the friend that she might have needed me to be, and I'm sorry for the times that I have missed. But I do know that with all the love I feel when I think of her, her husband, and her beautiful family, I hope they know that they are my something beautiful.
I am blessed to have known them, to be able to say that she was my friend. That she still is my friend. And sometimes, in the face of that something beautiful, all you can do is let it shine brightly for the world to see. I can't hide it for myself, which is what I think I tried to do - the world needs people like her!
We should all be so lucky to know someone like that.
I had this amazing friend in my life that I loved so much that it hurt. She was my everything - she was my ears, my heart, my mind. We used to watch Oprah in the afternoons before I had to pick up my son from daycare and drink tea. We used to go furniture shopping with her husband where we would price out all of the furniture to see which one had the best deal. She let me see parts of her marriage that most friends would hide - and that taught me how to be a wife to my own husband when I was lucky enough to be married.
I moved away, and as with most moves, we kind of drifted apart. Life takes you on wild rides, and time flies, and before you know it, those moments are but a memory of your past. I never forgot what that time was like with her, and even in my darkest moments, I would remember how she would encourage me and that alone would help me press forward.
Then we were reunited through good ol' FB. It was such an intense reunion - there was so much to say and get through and I felt like I was so indebted to her for all that she had done in my life - whether she knew it or not. We were again fast friends but life had different plans for us.
I desperately needed a friend and confidante - I was married, helping a beleagured husband battle alcohol addiction, raising three kids, and still trying to learn how to be a mother for myself. She is the mother to three wonderful children, a wife to a great man, and the arch-nemesis of Juvenile Diabetes. Her daughter was diagnosed with JD when she was just 18 months old - and no matter how much we like to say that we know what she is going through, we just don't. I didn't know how to be her friend, and I needed more from her than she could give.
We again drifted apart, but I still watched her progress through different pages and forums on FB, and watched her start a photography business and be a HUGE advocate for JDRF - Juvenile Diabetes Reserach Foundation. She has travelled and spoken at many conventions and raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for her (family's) cause and through the miracle of internet, watched her touch hundreds of lives, one person at a time.
When she writes, I feel like I'm looking at God himself in her image. It is like the light she shines is so bright it burns, and to be able to look at it for more than a few seconds is to be consumed in its fire. I can't tell you how her words and her pictures affect me - it's like she speaks right to the core of my soul.
I once referred to myself as the soil that fertilized her tree. She has transformed into a mighty oak - strong and tall and beautiful - and I often feel left in her shadow. I hope that she loves me still as much as I love her, as I will never forget the lessons that her and her husband taught me about what it was to love someone - to be a parent - to be a partner. And to this day, I still learn from them daily through the pictures and words that she writes, and often, I'm too tongue tied to be able to rightly tell her how she inspires me.
And that is my something beautiful. I will never forget her all the days of my life, and from our humble beginnings, I can rejoice in all of her accomplishments, and still watch her kids grow. I can't be the friend that she might have needed me to be, and I'm sorry for the times that I have missed. But I do know that with all the love I feel when I think of her, her husband, and her beautiful family, I hope they know that they are my something beautiful.
I am blessed to have known them, to be able to say that she was my friend. That she still is my friend. And sometimes, in the face of that something beautiful, all you can do is let it shine brightly for the world to see. I can't hide it for myself, which is what I think I tried to do - the world needs people like her!
We should all be so lucky to know someone like that.
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